Monday, September 25, 2006
Today is a bad day. What I write here will leave everyone who reads this shaking their head saying- this girl is a nut. And I just don't care. I'm beyond caring how the world sees me. Glenn says that I am stronger than this. That this is not the girl he fought with for 5 years, but I think I've honestly lost it this time. I don't have any strength left. John says that I am in desperation mode. I think he's right.
On Sept 1st, when J came to vist, we slept together again. I thought it was a way to win him back- and I was wrong. Instead I had my heart ripped to shreds, and I'm laying broken in a heap. Since he broke me, I have been hoping and dreaming that he had caused me to be pregnant again. Yes. I am a freak. If I was, i wasn't going to tell him, but I know I wanted him to find out. I had dreams of him showing up at the lake and meeting his 3 year old son. Or dreams of him showing up at my door becasue he's stuck in a snowstorm, and their being a Baby in my room. I've had variations of these dreams all month. I have tried to talk myself out of these feelings- school, work, but each night I beg whoever is out there to PLEASE give me this child. I feel the pain of what I did last time deep inside, and the regret is almost more than I can bear.
I've had some signs, peeing a lot, fatigue, but both of those things could be the MS. My period is now late, only by a day, so I took a test this morning. And I was crushed. Negative.
1 Comments:
Jennie, I don't think you're a nut :) I've told you this before: don't let anyone criticize your feelings because we have no clue what you are going through ... no two situations are identical. But at the same time, from someone who only knows you from your blog, I think you need to search really deep in yourself and find the strength that all your readers know is there. Write your feelings here or talk it out with a friend, but remind yourself that you have a lot of good things in your life and force yourself to choose to think about those things. I really really believe things will work out for you if you let them. I hope I don't sound totally idiotic and like I live in some kind of dream world ... I hope you understand where I'm coming from. Take care.
Pages of
Note:
The Words
of my bestest bud.
My Aunt's Blog
EDJ's Blog
The rabble of film
reviews- cinemablend
Archives:
- 10/2003 - 11/2003 11/2003 - 12/2003 12/2003 - 01/2004 04/2004 - 05/2004 05/2004 - 06/2004 06/2004 - 07/2004 07/2004 - 08/2004 08/2004 - 09/2004 09/2004 - 10/2004 10/2004 - 11/2004 11/2004 - 12/2004 12/2004 - 01/2005 01/2005 - 02/2005 02/2005 - 03/2005 03/2005 - 04/2005 04/2005 - 05/2005 05/2005 - 06/2005 06/2005 - 07/2005 07/2005 - 08/2005 08/2005 - 09/2005 09/2005 - 10/2005 10/2005 - 11/2005 12/2005 - 01/2006 01/2006 - 02/2006 02/2006 - 03/2006 03/2006 - 04/2006 04/2006 - 05/2006 05/2006 - 06/2006 06/2006 - 07/2006 07/2006 - 08/2006 08/2006 - 09/2006 09/2006 - 10/2006 10/2006 - 11/2006 11/2006 - 12/2006 12/2006 - 01/2007 01/2007 - 02/2007 02/2007 - 03/2007 03/2007 - 04/2007 04/2007 - 05/2007 05/2007 - 06/2007 06/2007 - 07/2007 07/2007 - 08/2007 08/2007 - 09/2007 09/2007 - 10/2007 10/2007 - 11/2007 11/2007 - 12/2007 12/2007 - 01/2008 01/2008 - 02/2008 02/2008 - 03/2008 03/2008 - 04/2008 04/2008 - 05/2008 05/2008 - 06/2008 06/2008 - 07/2008 07/2008 - 08/2008 08/2008 - 09/2008 09/2008 - 10/2008 10/2008 - 11/2008 11/2008 - 12/2008 12/2008 - 01/2009 01/2009 - 02/2009 02/2009 - 03/2009 03/2009 - 04/2009 04/2009 - 05/2009 05/2009 - 06/2009 06/2009 - 07/2009 07/2009 - 08/2009 08/2009 - 09/2009 09/2009 - 10/2009 10/2009 - 11/2009 11/2009 - 12/2009 12/2009 - 01/2010 01/2010 - 02/2010 03/2010 - 04/2010 04/2010 - 05/2010 05/2010 - 06/2010 06/2010 - 07/2010 07/2010 - 08/2010 08/2010 - 09/2010 09/2010 - 10/2010 10/2010 - 11/2010 01/2011 - 02/2011 01/2013 - 02/2013 12/2014 - 01/2015 01/2015 - 02/2015 02/2015 - 03/2015
