Friday, July 14, 2006
Emotional Hell
It's done. I went to the doctor this morning. He did the usual check up, talked about termination options, gave me the pamphletes to read, and then said he needed to do an ultrasound to confirm the dates. Sitting for the ultrasound I had decided to terminate. This was just the wrong time. School was my biggest deciding factor. And then the ultrasound. This little thing, probabley not more than 0.5mm. I could see it. Moving. There was no features of course, but what was worse to me.... a heartbeat. Faint. Almost not detectable. They had to do 4 or 5 rounds to be sure. But there was a heartbeat that wasn't in time with mine. Destinct.
I couldn't do it. I walked out and said "No I can't". I broke down when I got to the car. I swore to myself I would be strong, that I would do the right thing. And as I cried, I thought of all my reasons to terminate, and I saw the tears in Jon's eyes and I knew. He actually did understand. A part of him wanted this as badly as I did. But this was just the wrong time. So I walked back in. And I took the pill.
And now it's done.
I couldn't do it. I walked out and said "No I can't". I broke down when I got to the car. I swore to myself I would be strong, that I would do the right thing. And as I cried, I thought of all my reasons to terminate, and I saw the tears in Jon's eyes and I knew. He actually did understand. A part of him wanted this as badly as I did. But this was just the wrong time. So I walked back in. And I took the pill.
And now it's done.
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