Thursday, June 30, 2005
Marriage
I was thinking about marriage last night and I was wondering when something so wonderful became so complicated. There is a part of me that wishes that the world still evolves around arranged marriages, although most of me is glad that it doesn't. I have had 4 true serious relationships- Chirs, John, Glenn and Jonathan, and thinking back last night, I realised that every one of them at some point wanted to marry me.
Chris actually asked me one night, at a party at my house and gave me a bracelet he had made out of metal and paperclips. We had said it would be in 1999 after I got out of High School. We never did really talk about it again- except to agree that the children would be circumcized and I never did tell my parents (I don't think).
John wasn't so much as asking me, he was talking to a close family friend, someone he had grown up with but hadn't spoken to in years. She asked if he was getting married and he looked at me and said "Well there is no ring or date yet, but yeah I think I am." Nothing else ever came of that either.
I almost actually married Glenn. We had a wedding date set for May 1st 2002. He told his ex and I told my family. I am glad it didn't happen (and Glenn i know you read this so don't take that the wrong way). He never did really propose, and I guess there was a part of me waiting for him to really ask me, not just set a date.
And now Jonathan. From the moment he met me he has been talking marriage, talking forever. At first I thought it was just talk until he came to visit a month after we met and he choose to walk into a jewlery store and was looking at rings. So many things got planned- we choose wedding rings, loctaion (we'd buy a house first and have it in our yard), a priest not a rabbi, a chuppa, a BBQ casual reception, Green ivy and leaves instead of flowers, how long before the wedding we had to get the marriage licence- it wasn't just an idea as it had been with everyone else. This was real. Last July he bough me a ring- THE ring. I don't know if it was beautiful or not because I never saw it. As to weather he still has it or not I don't know, all I know is that things changed and I never got it. I've spoken of it before, but the big crux is family- his hates me.
This weekend Jon moves to New Hampshire and I stay in Albany. This year has been one of the hardest for me because Jon is never home. I so rarely get to see him, to be a partner to him that I feel that everything is now a play, a badly scripted painful play where we both pretend that the wedding we planned may still one day take place. But last night, as I sat thinking about weddings and the one Jon and I had planned I realised I no longer know what I want. I still want to marry him and be his wife, but not with the way things are now. And I look at my history and wonder, I know that I have always wanted to marry and have my own family, but (other than Glenn) all of the marriage talks were not initaited by me. It makes me wonder- what makes a man want to marry me when he meets me- and will Jon go the way of all the others and slowly slip out of my life?
Chris actually asked me one night, at a party at my house and gave me a bracelet he had made out of metal and paperclips. We had said it would be in 1999 after I got out of High School. We never did really talk about it again- except to agree that the children would be circumcized and I never did tell my parents (I don't think).
John wasn't so much as asking me, he was talking to a close family friend, someone he had grown up with but hadn't spoken to in years. She asked if he was getting married and he looked at me and said "Well there is no ring or date yet, but yeah I think I am." Nothing else ever came of that either.
I almost actually married Glenn. We had a wedding date set for May 1st 2002. He told his ex and I told my family. I am glad it didn't happen (and Glenn i know you read this so don't take that the wrong way). He never did really propose, and I guess there was a part of me waiting for him to really ask me, not just set a date.
And now Jonathan. From the moment he met me he has been talking marriage, talking forever. At first I thought it was just talk until he came to visit a month after we met and he choose to walk into a jewlery store and was looking at rings. So many things got planned- we choose wedding rings, loctaion (we'd buy a house first and have it in our yard), a priest not a rabbi, a chuppa, a BBQ casual reception, Green ivy and leaves instead of flowers, how long before the wedding we had to get the marriage licence- it wasn't just an idea as it had been with everyone else. This was real. Last July he bough me a ring- THE ring. I don't know if it was beautiful or not because I never saw it. As to weather he still has it or not I don't know, all I know is that things changed and I never got it. I've spoken of it before, but the big crux is family- his hates me.
This weekend Jon moves to New Hampshire and I stay in Albany. This year has been one of the hardest for me because Jon is never home. I so rarely get to see him, to be a partner to him that I feel that everything is now a play, a badly scripted painful play where we both pretend that the wedding we planned may still one day take place. But last night, as I sat thinking about weddings and the one Jon and I had planned I realised I no longer know what I want. I still want to marry him and be his wife, but not with the way things are now. And I look at my history and wonder, I know that I have always wanted to marry and have my own family, but (other than Glenn) all of the marriage talks were not initaited by me. It makes me wonder- what makes a man want to marry me when he meets me- and will Jon go the way of all the others and slowly slip out of my life?
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