Thursday, June 30, 2005
I was thinking about marriage last night and I was wondering when something so wonderful became so complicated. There is a part of me that wishes that the world still evolves around arranged marriages, although most of me is glad that it doesn't. I have had 4 true serious relationships- Chirs, John, Glenn and Jonathan, and thinking back last night, I realised that every one of them at some point wanted to marry me.
Chris actually asked me one night, at a party at my house and gave me a bracelet he had made out of metal and paperclips. We had said it would be in 1999 after I got out of High School. We never did really talk about it again- except to agree that the children would be circumcized and I never did tell my parents (I don't think).
John wasn't so much as asking me, he was talking to a close family friend, someone he had grown up with but hadn't spoken to in years. She asked if he was getting married and he looked at me and said "Well there is no ring or date yet, but yeah I think I am." Nothing else ever came of that either.
I almost actually married Glenn. We had a wedding date set for May 1st 2002. He told his ex and I told my family. I am glad it didn't happen (and Glenn i know you read this so don't take that the wrong way). He never did really propose, and I guess there was a part of me waiting for him to really ask me, not just set a date.
And now Jonathan. From the moment he met me he has been talking marriage, talking forever. At first I thought it was just talk until he came to visit a month after we met and he choose to walk into a jewlery store and was looking at rings. So many things got planned- we choose wedding rings, loctaion (we'd buy a house first and have it in our yard), a priest not a rabbi, a chuppa, a BBQ casual reception, Green ivy and leaves instead of flowers, how long before the wedding we had to get the marriage licence- it wasn't just an idea as it had been with everyone else. This was real. Last July he bough me a ring- THE ring. I don't know if it was beautiful or not because I never saw it. As to weather he still has it or not I don't know, all I know is that things changed and I never got it. I've spoken of it before, but the big crux is family- his hates me.
This weekend Jon moves to New Hampshire and I stay in Albany. This year has been one of the hardest for me because Jon is never home. I so rarely get to see him, to be a partner to him that I feel that everything is now a play, a badly scripted painful play where we both pretend that the wedding we planned may still one day take place. But last night, as I sat thinking about weddings and the one Jon and I had planned I realised I no longer know what I want. I still want to marry him and be his wife, but not with the way things are now. And I look at my history and wonder, I know that I have always wanted to marry and have my own family, but (other than Glenn) all of the marriage talks were not initaited by me. It makes me wonder- what makes a man want to marry me when he meets me- and will Jon go the way of all the others and slowly slip out of my life?
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Well I am done with classes. I got an A on my Aztec class- I am still waiting for my essay to come back which will determine in I got an A or A-, but either or works. Now I am just lining up what the hell I am going to do with myself until classes start again. Jon found a GREAT apt, so the next 2 weeknds will be helping him move, and I have plan to go to NYC on the 23rd with a girlfriend at work and our significant others... but other than that I have no CLUE what I am doing.
Set up my fish tank last night, cleaned off the rocks and filled it with water. I'm going to have to get another bag of gravel (I have blue and tan now) and some plants and stuff, and I have to decide on a starter fish seeing as the fish I want (Angels, Fantails and Beta) are far from being a hardy starter fish. Not that I know anything about fish mind you, except that setting up is damn expensive- I spend $80 last night just on filters and gravel and a light and stuff.... hopefully I won't kill them all and have to start over.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
La La Laaa
*shakes head around doorway*
I hate buying shoes. Yes I know what very un-woman thing to say, but I do. See my Dad, in his infinate wisdom, gave his clodhoppers instead of feet. I have these huge monsters on the base of my legs that pretend they are feet. So anyway, I got this GREAT new skirt, it's a tie-dye type thing in reds, maroons and whites, floorlength sweeping skirt, but I don't have a single pair of shoes that I can wear with it. My black ones (and all my heels are black) just look really bad. So I have been looking for a pair of white shoes to go with this magnificent skirt.
I went to 3 different stores and NONE of them had a white pair of shoes in my size. I tried on a 9 1/2 and nearly lost my big toe from lack of circulation. There was one pair, a pearl color flat strappy shoe that was nice, a size 10 and slightly too small around the big toe, although that would stretch with time- but I really want at least a small heel.
Oh well, I head out of town tonight with the skirt and no shoes- maybe I'll just have to go barefoot and make a true hippy statement.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Wow am I ever tired. In fact I am so tired I almost don't have the energy to write this post (man I'm pathetic). I have GOT to quit going to bed at midnight or later. Planned on going to bed early yesterday- especially seeing as the housewarming was a flop, but eneded up getting sucked into the TV (Cable ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh), reorganized all my books, then Jon came over 11.30 and I helped him fill out his application for his new apartment. They had sent it over as a jpg and his comment was "How do I type into this thing".... so I helped him edit it using psp. So we didn't head to bed until 12.30, and with one thing and another we had to get up again at 1.30 to jump in the shower (I would give more than a PC version but I know my mother reads this!). So we finally fell asleep about 2am, and this morning I had to get up at 6....
Ok I am rambling... Anyway, point made- I'm tired.
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