Monday, March 28, 2005
Wrenching
How do you clear your mind when you know that the one place you can bear your soul is read by people who care about you and make take that cleansing the wrong way. Sometimes people just need to vent and get things off their soul and they may think and say things that may not be what the seem. Sometimes when you are in a situation you over react to situations and if you air the way you think and feel people think things are worse than they are. That said, this blog is not one that I am writing for my audience, it is one I am writing for me.
When Jon and I met, I expected nothing but a fling. That's all I wanted. I was going through a phase in my life where I guess you could say I was using guys and enjoying the fun I was having. Instead what I found was something that some people only find once in a lifetime, and many never find at all. In all the men I have dated and loved, I have never felt the overwhelming peace and rightness that I felt with Jon. All my life I had dreamed of a guy with certain qualities and Jon was all that and more. The first few months were a whirlwind of change, meeting, him coming to CA, the promise ring, me moving in- and all of the passion and excitment I felt I contained inside, afraid to be too hopeful and excited in case it all went bad quickly. I go back and read the blogs I wrote back then and I can't even see in the writing the extreme excitment and dizziness that I felt at the time.
After I moved in, life was like a dream. I felt like I had finally found home. Cooking for Jon at night, planning the weekend together, being held and holding him at night, setting up house. It was something I could see us spending our whole lives doing- I doted on him and he doted on me. And I still held a lot of that in, although I KNEW that this was the man I had dreamed of my entire life.
And now, everything has changed. We moved to New York and we started seeing more of his family, who has decided that they don't like me. I have spent every mojor holiday alone since last 4th of July (except for New Years, where I didn't even get a kiss at midnight) since I am not "welcome" at family events, and I am alone all week long. His work takes him out of town all week every week. In the year (almost) we have lived in NY, he has been home a total of about 2-3 months, which includes weekends. We used to plan our weekends together "what are we going to do"- now, it is what does Jon have planned and if I am excluded or not. I so tired of being lonely.
How long am I supposed to wait? I've told him how I feel and I think I have told him what I need, but how long am I meant to wait for him to make the choices he needs to make? My friends tell me I need to let him go- but how can I let go the most amazing thing I have ever had? I will never again find this feeling I have had with Jon, and so I sit here suffering, my heart breaking a little each day while I wait for him to come home. For the one night I will see him in the last 2 weeks and the next week. Hoping beyond hope that he will be there when I walk through the door, just so I don't have to wait any longer. And knowing, that he does not understand how hard it is to face every day, knowing that it is another day alone.
I am so tired of being lonely.
When Jon and I met, I expected nothing but a fling. That's all I wanted. I was going through a phase in my life where I guess you could say I was using guys and enjoying the fun I was having. Instead what I found was something that some people only find once in a lifetime, and many never find at all. In all the men I have dated and loved, I have never felt the overwhelming peace and rightness that I felt with Jon. All my life I had dreamed of a guy with certain qualities and Jon was all that and more. The first few months were a whirlwind of change, meeting, him coming to CA, the promise ring, me moving in- and all of the passion and excitment I felt I contained inside, afraid to be too hopeful and excited in case it all went bad quickly. I go back and read the blogs I wrote back then and I can't even see in the writing the extreme excitment and dizziness that I felt at the time.
After I moved in, life was like a dream. I felt like I had finally found home. Cooking for Jon at night, planning the weekend together, being held and holding him at night, setting up house. It was something I could see us spending our whole lives doing- I doted on him and he doted on me. And I still held a lot of that in, although I KNEW that this was the man I had dreamed of my entire life.
And now, everything has changed. We moved to New York and we started seeing more of his family, who has decided that they don't like me. I have spent every mojor holiday alone since last 4th of July (except for New Years, where I didn't even get a kiss at midnight) since I am not "welcome" at family events, and I am alone all week long. His work takes him out of town all week every week. In the year (almost) we have lived in NY, he has been home a total of about 2-3 months, which includes weekends. We used to plan our weekends together "what are we going to do"- now, it is what does Jon have planned and if I am excluded or not. I so tired of being lonely.
How long am I supposed to wait? I've told him how I feel and I think I have told him what I need, but how long am I meant to wait for him to make the choices he needs to make? My friends tell me I need to let him go- but how can I let go the most amazing thing I have ever had? I will never again find this feeling I have had with Jon, and so I sit here suffering, my heart breaking a little each day while I wait for him to come home. For the one night I will see him in the last 2 weeks and the next week. Hoping beyond hope that he will be there when I walk through the door, just so I don't have to wait any longer. And knowing, that he does not understand how hard it is to face every day, knowing that it is another day alone.
I am so tired of being lonely.
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