Monday, November 29, 2004
You know what really sucks? Is knowing that you love someone, and knowing that they love you, and knowing that you have a really great thing, but also knowing that people important to that person just don't see it?
Jon and I are finally back on the upward trend in our relationship. We've had a rocky couple of months, but we are finally breaking out of the rut and creating a base for us to create the rest of our lives. It's been work, sometimes hard, but I really think it's worth it. As does he. I have been looking forward to the holidays this year, as this was the time of year I met his family, and I was looking forward to giving them gifts that I have had planned just about all year long. But I come to find that there will be no gathering with me this year.
The one side of his family has been jaded by his "aunt". Dating his Uncle (never married) she has been in and out of jobs, financial strife, lawlessness- they see the last year (which has been one long rough patch for me) as a repeat of what she is doing. They can't see the improvements I have made in my life through these challenges, and although life keeps kicking me in the teeth I keep getting up to fight on. I don't blame them for being wary, I mean I HAVE had a crappy year financially, but how can I show them that I am not like that?
Then there is the other side of the family. I have written before I believe about the "bad weekend" I had when Jon and I moved to NY when his parents were visiting. I was not in the mood to be social, and it was obvious. Ever since then his "perfect" (or so she thinks) mother has been pouring poison in the ear of the family. It makes me so angry. I wrote a letter of apology as soon as it happened. I apologised in person the next weekend. I have been what they expect of me- a quiet mouse who speaks only when spoken too- and yet she STILL thinks I am not good enough for her son. I am sorry I am not an angel.
So this year Jon will go off Snowmobiling with his father (just the two of them, so I am not envious of that) and I will be left home, by myself. All because 1 woman wants to feel superior to me.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Have you ever had a time in your life where NOTHING goes right? No matter how hard you try God- or whoever- is there to bean you over the head with a brick to knock you back down? It's been one of those years for me. Bankrupcy in March, temping and the inability to get a full time job, having times out of work.
ANd now, that things were FINALLY looking up- finally got a full time job, signed with a modeling agency, got an "in" on a night school at SUNY... WHAM
My car got repossessed.
So yeah. I just lost my transportation to and from work and school, I have no way to get to Thanksgiving anything, not family, not friends (as she doesn't drive), and I have absolutly no way to get my car back, nor a way to get a new one. With my Bankrupcy no one will give me a loan. I couldn't even get a stinking student loan- can you believe that! Nothing.
So what the FUCK do I do now?
Friday, November 19, 2004
Last night was on of the best nights I have had in a long time. No reading deadline. No tests to study for. I finally took a full night "off". I cleaned the house, watched a movie, and went to bed. It was so refreshing.
And while laying in bed, talking to the man I love, I closed my eyes and I could picture his face and his amazing smile. It is surprising to me how much a simple smile can brighten a day and make you feel like the world is alive again.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
People reading this probabley know the person who I am about to write about, so I really hope I dont offend him, but I need to write (as always when I am emotionally involved in something).
For 4 years I lived with a guy that had a rage, something boiling benieth the surface of his soul and mind, and as close to him as I tried to get, I was always afraid of that rage. It colored my vision of who that person was and what he was capable of, and I was always afraid of him not being able to control when I did or said something stupid. In the end it was one of the reasons I left him.
Now he is in a situation where the woman he thought he would spend the rest of his life with is not on the same wave length as him- and who can blame her partially, she is technically still married and probabley not ready for ANY committment, even if it is just friends with benefits- and these demons are threatening to come out.
I have seen those demons in your eyes, and I hated what I saw. Maybe the way to help yourself is let her go. Don't fight the fight you know you might loose. Tell her how you feel and walk away. She will realize the person she has lost. I hope. Just don't let them gain control.
Monday, November 15, 2004
I swear to lord my brain is full. I can't cram another single thing in here and survive. Between the reading for my Italian class, the studying, the 5 books I had to read for my paper, the exams, a new job- I don't think my brain can safetly handle any more pressure. This paper is due in 3 days, and I have the first 2 paragraphs written, but not all the books read.... I may end up having to puall an all nighter later this week.... I dread the thought.
Monday, November 08, 2004
I feel like I am spinning out of control again. There used to be a time when I was so focused on things, work, school, life. Now I feel like I am swimming in world where for every step I take in the right direction, I am stepping in front of a freight train waiting to hit me out of nowhere. First it was loosing Compaq. I know that was 3 years ago now, but from that moment on I've felt like I was standing at the edge of a sandy hole, and each time I tried to get out I would slip back in, sometimes further than I had climbed.
I thought that this year was my year to turn things around. I finally declared bankrupcy, and apart from my car and cell phone, I am debt free. I have my normal bills, rent, food, things like that, but I though I had finally turned my life to a point where I could start climbing out of that damn hole. But my bad luck with work has plauged me this entire year. First being miserable at Pizza Hut, and I thought I made the right choice in quitting. And then being in and out of temp jobs. I finally have a full time job that I enjoy... but what if it's too late to save the things I love most.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
One year today *dances around* :D
Ok. I was born in America. I am a citizen. Even though I grew up in another country and still consider myself Australian, I have come to grips with the fact that this is my home now. But I still to this day have issues with American politics.
I don't like the system of choosing presidents. Sure, it's meant to be a checks and balance system and meant to help make sure votes are counted, but I thought America was supposed to be a democracy. How democratic is it if I live in a state that is "republican" or "democratic" and I know that no matter how I vote, it won't change the outcome. How am I really having a say? It comes down to a few states- Ohio, Florida, states that have different views about things than I probabley do. I'm not saying that my choice is the only choice, and I don't care if your a Bush or Kerry supporter, I care that I want my vote to count.
The electoral colleges mean that that doesn't happen. If 51% Vote Kerry and 49% Vote Bush, then the state goes to Kerry. But what if that percentage means Bush got more of the popular vote? Are we going to see another contested race just like 2000? I don't want the law courts deciding who is going to rule this country for the next 4 years. I want to decide. I want you to decide.
This country wonders why people don't go out and vote. It's because there is no point. My vote means nothing. Sure, my one vote may mean an extra .0000001 in the popular vote, but that wont change who is elected president. Australia bases it's election on the popular vote, who ever gets the most wins, and that's the way it should be. Every persons vote should make a difference. You should matter, not just be a number who turned out at the polls.
Another issue I have is with deciding who is going to be a presidential nominee. Back in 2000 the Republicans ran a nomination for McCain. I lived in California and EVERYONE loved him. However, the conservative east didn't, and he dropped out of the race before the primaries in CA. How different would our lives be if he had hung on and possibly gotton the support from CA? It's like the primaries don't really matter anymore past the New England ones. If you don't win the first few, drop out. How is that a real representation of what your party members feel if you are only letting the east coast speak for your party? Primaries should be held nationwide, all at once. Just like a real election. This way you get the TRUE voice of your party deciding who would be the best representative for your cause, not just the one with the most money.
I am not affiliated with any party, I am a swing voter. It is me you must please with your policies, becuase you know your party is going to vote for you (at least you should hope so). And yet, when it comes down to the wire, my vote, my voice, has no impact on the outcome of this election.
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