Friday, February 20, 2015
She's been gone one week and I am still surprised when she is not waiting at the door for me when I get home and racing to the food bowl. I cried at the pet store today when I went to cancel our standing order of her prescription food. Spencer and Juliet both said today that they wanted her back, and then Juliet said if we ever got another kitty she was going to name it Baby Girl. But its less raw then it was. It still hurts of course, and I still find myself close to tears at time when I think about her out there in her box. And my tummy still clenches when I think of her climbing on my lap, and then being gone. Maybe it is still more raw than I thought.
Monday, February 16, 2015
Spencer, running into the room at full speed "Need Drink Water!" I pour a glass, and then have to stand there like a demented status because he's too busy with the broom stick extender he found... and now he's found a ball and run off - while I stand here with a full glass of water. Two is NOT my favorite age...
Sunday, February 15, 2015
It's been a few days. There are moments when the pain is less raw and doesn't consume me. But it is the small moments. Folding a towel I used last week to dry her after her bath. The fact there was no poo on the floor when I cleaned the boxes. A thunderstorm and all I could think is of how she hated thunder.... the fact that I wrote hates instead of hated just then. Juliet is still sobbing herself to sleep at night, and Spencer declares that she's dead every morning when he goes to feed her. I bought Juliet some books about grieving. I'm hoping they help her.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
No filters warning. Baby Girl is gone. And to be honest, I have cried over this more than I cried when my Dad died. Its not to say I loved my dad less than I love a cat. But I had to make this choice. I had to choose the day she was to die. I chose to take a health, if old and crazy cat, to the vet and die. I did that to her. This morning she was breathing and tonight she is in the dirt. My daughter begged me not to, and sobbed herself to sleep tonight. I did that. I chose that.Maybe this IS me grieving my dad. Juliet was a newborn and we all know newborns don't let you grieve. Who knows. All I know is everyone processes grief differently. And I think I was wrong. I should have found the money for a run for her litter boxes. I should have been more patient and less selfish. She was an amazing kitty, who slept with my children and let them snuggle her when they were awake. Juliet is already asking for her next kitty, while still sobbing over the one in the ground and asking why we couldn't wait until she died on her own. Spencer has gone looking for his bed buddy - she laid with him every night since he was born. Ninja (the other cat) is laying in front of the empty cat carrier. I will never ever forget her limpness as she was put in the box Juliet made her. Or how wrong she looked in it.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
I feel like a fraud. I am currently writing job applications and the goal is to make yourself as incredibly awesome at all costs. Yet, I don't FEEL awesome. I know my research is important, and every time I present it I get an amazing buzz from the audience "This is so incredible" "What you are doing is so cutting edge" "Your research is so important in so many areas". And yet when it comes time to answering the 20+ selection criteria for jobs, I find myself struggling to justify just what it is about my research that generates that buzz. What is that makes this so thrilling to the audience? I have no idea... and yet it excites me to. I just hope that some institution sees the value in it with my attempts at justification...
Sunday, December 28, 2014
I am sure the long time between posts means no one reads this blog any more. I resurrected it from mothballs as I couldn't bare to let such a long history of my life disappear into the ether. I have now submitted my PhD, and as a result the ends of my life are flapping... what next? As I wait for marks I apply for jobs in the hope my great teaching reviews will hook me something, but as with most postgrads I don't have enough publications to be competitive for a grant yet. And I'm not sure I want a grant- simply because I desperatly want to teach, not be fully research based. Spencer and Juliet are both thriving, he's 2 1/2 and she is 6. We're all home for the holidays, which reminds me that while I love being them, I'm not meant to be home alone with them all the time. For now, I have a little boy that needs a back rub back to sleep.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
I've just been reminded that its been FOREVER since I updated this blog. It has. Almost 2 whole years. Life has been both much of the same, and so changed all at the same time. I'm still working hard on my PhD, which I suppose why I rarely update here any more. There is only so much writing you can do overall I suppose. Juliet has grown in the last two years. She started Kindergarten (Pre-K for you Americans) this week and is loving it. She can almost write her own name, and is very proud. But most of all, she has become an AMAZING big sister. Thats right, since I updated this blog I have had a second child. I look back on all the updates from when I was pregnant with Juliet and am a bit saddened that I don't have that record the second time around. I suppose thats the trouble with finally joining facebook. So, with no further ado, here is a picture taken by Juliet, of me and my son Spencer.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
For all my friends on the US east coast.... don't hate me!
Chasing the seagulls!Feeding Seagulls- bribery for them to come nearer for more chasing....
Watching the waves on the shore
Eastern Beach- 10 min drive from my house.
North Shore, 2 min drive from the house. 2km- I try and walk here daily with Juliet, 40 min round trip.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Ok I've caught enough flack for not updating this blog so I figure I should do so.
A brief update- I got into University of Melbourne, and I also got a scholarship. Which is great for my studies- the next step is finding somewhere to live. While I'm enjoying the stress free-ness of living with my mother, the commute is just going to be to much. 2 hours a day is a lot for Juliet. I haven't bought a car yet, but am waiting to see if I can get a home loan first, it would be easier to buy something than rent I think. With the 2 cats arriving in a couple of weeks, finding a place that will rent to cats is proving difficult. I'll find out more next week.
Juliet is doing well. I've found her a good daycare not far from the school. I'm not sure they are structured enough for her, but only time will tell. She's on the waiting list for the daycare at school, but the list is long, so we will see. It sure would make life easier.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
We are here 2 hours north of Seattle. It has not all been roses, but when K wants to she and Juliet have had the BEST time playing princess. Which basically entails K dressing Juliet up. Yesterday they played ballerina. SOOO cute. I'm having my friend make Juliet her own little tutu. I'm so torn on what colors I want it to be!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Recently Juliet has decided that she wants to take showers with me. While I'm thrilled she wants to spend so much time in my company, I really really really want my showers all to myself again. It used to be that I would take a shower while she ate her breakfast. While this meant plonking her in front of some cartoons, I would get at least 7 mins of blissfully hot cleanness. I could even shave once in a while. I have since been forced into tepid warmness, while trying to keep us both warm. Compounding the issue is the fact that Juliet hates the shower head. I don't get why a child who HATES the spray of water from a shower head INSISTS that she must shower with me, in fact acts like it is the highlight of her day. So instead of getting clean, she stands shivering at the other end of the bathtub, while I shiver in tepid water. I have a removable shower head, so I've tried to teach her that the water is no big deal, by spraying her legs, and then giving her the head to spray my legs, and then trying to get her to spray herself. One top of all this lack of warmness and cleanliness, it also means that she has given up her bath at night. Who the heck wants to take a bath when they had a shower that morning? While I get her reasoning, I loved bath time as she wound down nicely ready for teeth brushing and bed.
So we are cold, not clean enough, I'm sprouting trees on my legs (and i refuse to check my pits), and having trouble going to bed.
I want my shower back!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Juliet has a new interest in the potty. Last week she was taking that toy caterpillar to the potty, today it was a doll. At home we have the little potty she can sit right on, but while we are out and about I have an insert that goes on a regular toilet. Recently, while we have been places where there is no toilet nearby, I've been putting the insert on the ground for her to sit on if she asks to go. It "lives" in the car so that we always have it when needed, but of course that means that EVERY time we get in the car (even if we were only out of it for 5 mins) she MUST sit on the potty. Today she found the lid of an old wipes container. She took it in the bathroom, and not sure what she was doing with it I investigated, only to find that she had opened the hole, put it on her potty, and sat on it to pee. Wipe Lid with small hole + potty + child = pee all over bathroom floor.
Well, at least she took herself potty when she needed to go!
Monday, September 06, 2010
Sunday, September 05, 2010
Soo cute. Juliet today decided to practice what she is leaning.
Her current favorite toy is a drag along caterpillar (that actually drives me CRAZY...). Today, I guess it needed to go potty...
She stood and watched for at least a min (long enough for me to grab the camera from the other room), and then as she stooped down to pick it up she said "good girl" (which is what I am always saying to her when she goes).
Then she took it over to the sink.
Wash your hands!
And then of course, it needed it's hair brushed.
Later that day I came across more cuteness, when she crawled on the bed to cuddle with Baby.
Friday, September 03, 2010
The art projects in this house have just become messier and messier. PlayDoh is the neatest thing on the face of the planet in comparison. Icecubes frozen with food dye. Finger painting... what the HECK was I thinking????
I thought I was smart... took her shirt off for her to paint. She SHOWED me though, while I was talking to someone, she hopped off her chair, and wiped her hands on the clean shirt I had set aside. Serves me right for forgetting to give her a hand towel.
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